New Pain-Inducing Advil Created For People Who Just Want To Feel Something, Anything | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
PHILADELPHIA—Wyeth Pharmaceuticals unveiled a new pain-causing line of Advil this week that will help millions of benumbed, hollow consumers to feel at least somewhat alive for up to four hours.
“Advil Release delivers a soothing burst of pain when cold and listless Americans need it most,” Wyeth CEO Bernard J. Poussot said during a press conference Monday. “Just two capsules can deliver all-day relief in the form of searing, life-affirming agony; the kind of agony Advil users trust when being a pale specter of humanity adrift in a meaningless and uncaring universe is just not an option anymore.”
I sort of know what this article means. There was a time… I can’t talk about this much, but there was a time when a friend of mine died. I didn’t know him well, but… he was so good-natured, and the circumstances of his death so unjust… I just cried and cried. I mean, I’m sure I would have cried anyway, but those elements just made me cry more.
And it was an odd feeling, crying and crying, because, as I told someone… for months before that, I hadn’t been feeling anything, and that chilled me. I was alive, with a feeling rushing through me. Now I felt better and I felt worse.
I remember being finished crying when someone came over to me and said, hey, remember, that’s not really what our friend would want you to feel. He would want you to be happy, not sad. I smiled at this person’s ignorance… crying is all I could do, it’s what I needed to do, and I’m sure my friend would have been okay with me listening to my heart. Crying flushed all the emotions out of my soul… I just didn’t know what to do with them afterward.
By the way, dear Tina’s friends: Please don’t die! There are much more effective and less costly ways to elicit necessary emotions from me…