Tina K. Russell

November 23, 2008

I just want to feel something

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — Tina Russell @ 12:24 am

New Pain-Inducing Advil Created For People Who Just Want To Feel Something, Anything | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
PHILADELPHIA—Wyeth Pharmaceuticals unveiled a new pain-causing line of Advil this week that will help millions of benumbed, hollow consumers to feel at least somewhat alive for up to four hours.

“Advil Release delivers a soothing burst of pain when cold and listless Americans need it most,” Wyeth CEO Bernard J. Poussot said during a press conference Monday. “Just two capsules can deliver all-day relief in the form of searing, life-affirming agony; the kind of agony Advil users trust when being a pale specter of humanity adrift in a meaningless and uncaring universe is just not an option anymore.”

I sort of know what this article means. There was a time… I can’t talk about this much, but there was a time when a friend of mine died. I didn’t know him well, but… he was so good-natured, and the circumstances of his death so unjust… I just cried and cried. I mean, I’m sure I would have cried anyway, but those elements just made me cry more.

And it was an odd feeling, crying and crying, because, as I told someone… for months before that, I hadn’t been feeling anything, and that chilled me. I was alive, with a feeling rushing through me. Now I felt better and I felt worse.

I remember being finished crying when someone came over to me and said, hey, remember, that’s not really what our friend would want you to feel. He would want you to be happy, not sad. I smiled at this person’s ignorance… crying is all I could do, it’s what I needed to do, and I’m sure my friend would have been okay with me listening to my heart. Crying flushed all the emotions out of my soul… I just didn’t know what to do with them afterward.

By the way, dear Tina’s friends: Please don’t die! There are much more effective and less costly ways to elicit necessary emotions from me…

November 22, 2008

Not That Kind of Christian

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — Tina Russell @ 9:58 pm

You really have to read this article. It is brilliant!

I’m Not One Of Those ‘Love Thy Neighbor’ Christians | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
I’m here to tell you there are lots of Christians who aren’t anything like the preconceived notions you may have. We’re not all into “turning the other cheek.” We don’t spend our days committing random acts of kindness for no credit. And although we believe that the moral precepts in the Book of Leviticus are the infallible word of God, it doesn’t mean we’re all obsessed with extremist notions like “righteousness” and “justice.”

My faith in the Lord is about the pure, simple values: raising children right, saying grace at the table, strictly forbidding those who are Methodists or Presbyterians from receiving communion because their beliefs are heresies, and curing homosexuals. That’s all. Just the core beliefs. You won’t see me going on some frothy-mouthed tirade about being a comfort to the downtrodden.

June 16, 2008

Ad Nauseam

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — Tina Russell @ 1:32 pm

Here’s an angry New Yorker:

Lost City: Yo! Check This Out! IKEA Rules!
Aside from the Swedish meatballs they serve in the cafeteria—a dish I dearly love—I’m not much looking forward to the coming debut of the Red Hook IKEA. And their bus shelter ads aren’t helping my mood.

One ad on Columbia Street invites us to be awe-struck by the “corrugated awesomeness” of the box. It actually begins with exclamation “Yo! Check this out.” And it ends with “Boxes rule!” (“That’s how kids talk today. right?” asks the middle-aged Swedish furniture executive.)

I’m sick of ads that try too hard to be “with it.” I recognize that ad agencies think “kids these days” are too smart for traditional marketing, but why not respect our intelligence by talking to us like adults? (And “deconstructing” doesn’t help, unless by “deconstructing” you mean taking down the physical billboard holding up the ad, which I would be perfectly happy with.)

(See also: Our Global Food-Service Enterprise Is Totally Down For Your Awesome Subculture)

June 13, 2008

Thank you, thank you, thank you

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — Tina Russell @ 4:11 pm

CD Sales Down, LP Sales Up | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

The Onion makes fun of audio snobs. It’s about time. Their cognitive dissonance is maddening.

May 18, 2008

Day 1

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — Tina Russell @ 8:25 pm

This is great.

Clinton Questions Obama’s Ability To Greet World Leaders | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

CHARLESTON, WV—Hillary Clinton once again attacked Barack Obama on the issue of experience Tuesday, this time questioning the Illinois senator’s ability to effectively smile, make appropriate eye contact, and offer sufficiently delicious finger foods when welcoming visiting world leaders. “My opponent has never greeted foreign dignitaries such as the Japanese Minister of Forestry and Fisheries, as I had the opportunity to do when I was first lady,” Clinton said, adding that she has an extensive background in both double-clasped hand shakes and idle small talk with political luminaries from several nations. “Do the American people really want a president who doesn’t know when it’s appropriate to gesture toward a chair, indicating where a head of state should be seated?” At a previous speech in Indianapolis, Clinton had challenged Obama’s ability to create a health-care reform initiative that would ultimately fail and hand Congress over to the Republicans in an electoral landslide, as she did in 1993.

April 2, 2008

A plea for sanity, from six feet under

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Tina Russell @ 10:45 pm

Stop Making Movies About My Books | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

The Onion, America’s finest news source, had the good sense to jot down what Dr. Seuss is presently mumbling as he toils in his grave.

Did you learn all but squat from The Cat In The Hat?
Please tell me you fired the prick who made that.
I would have stopped writing, maybe sold Goodyear tires.
If I knew one dark day I’d costar with Mike Myers.

March 21, 2008

The Girl Of My Memes

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — Tina Russell @ 1:49 pm

Another spontaneous Internet trend has marketers baffled!

Warning: the link contains sliky-skinned, full-frontal nudity. You may not want to look at it, unless you are currently in possession of a human body.

March 1, 2008

Sucrosa: it’s a pill.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , — Tina Russell @ 11:31 pm

FDA Approves Sale Of Prescription Placebo | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

This is old, but I just found it through Bad Science. It’s brilliant; please read it.

I Give Up

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Tina Russell @ 5:32 pm

Idiom Shortage Leaves Nation All Sewed Up In Horse Pies | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Oh, just read it. It’s great.

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