Tina K. Russell

September 27, 2008

Letting go

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Tina Russell @ 8:45 pm

I saw Ghost Town just now. It was pretty good.

I wrote, before, on a friend that I got into a fight with. It didn’t end well, and I’m heartbroken. I really loved her.

I won’t go into it, since I still would genuinely like to be her friend again, but… I want to say that, during the movie, I a) cried buckets (impressive for a comedy movie… this is one of extremely few movies, or productions of fiction at all, about which I can legitimately say that I laughed and cried) and b) realized what was really gnawing at me, why I’ve had such a hard time letting go. (Letting go is a major theme of the movie.)

She cared about me… she knew everything about me, every little quirk, everything that was weird about me, and she still loved me. People say they care about me, but she really cared about me. I didn’t step on eggshells with her. It was wonderful.

The movie really grinds home every single regret you’ll ever have about anyone you may never talk to again. (If you’re reading this, dear: I don’t want that to be us!) That was really tough on me, given that all the things I never got to say, good and bad, happy and angry, have been playing through my head on endless loop for over a month now, no matter how much I assure myself that it’s not healthy and I should ignore it (I do ignore it, but that doesn’t make it go away).

I had a good, long cry. My brother made a “cut it out” gesture for stage-crying in the middle of a movie theater, and I choked out, “shut up.” (I don’t think he heard me.) I needed that cry. I had been holding it in for weeks! In fact… perhaps it’s more like years. I’ve had friends, but never a bestest friend that I could share everything in the world with. When I see that portrayed, even on TV or a movie, I can’t tell you quite how it burns me up with jealousy. I suppose that should teach me a lesson: if so many people take for granted what I imagine would be earth-shatteringly wonderful, there must be such things that I have that I should not take for granted. It’s hard to hold all that in your head. I sort of draw a deep breath and hope I’ll understand when I’m older.

Incidentally, one of my favorite books, and movies, is I Capture the Castle. It’s great. Maybe you’ll learn something about me, huh? I’m an idealist, I guess.

See ya later.

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